I had this crazy dream that I won Mrs. California. Then one morning I woke up to my daughter whispering, Mom do you remember when you won last night?" I smiled and whispered back "yes"
So it wasn't a dream, I won Mrs. California United States on April 11, 2014 in Thousand Oaks California.
Let me back up! I decided to compete for Mrs California in January right after I hit my 6 month mark post infertility surgery. Back in July my doctor assured me as I woke up from anesthesia that I should be pregnant in 6 months. For 6 months "I didn't try" because every one told me to "relax" and that "you will get pregnant if you just stop trying!" I felt like I could finally "stop trying" since I was surgically healed from what I thought was causing my infertility. I mean my periods were more regularly then that had ever been, and I felt great! We had another child in our home, thanks to the little boy we were in the process of adopting, and everyone assured me, "watch... now you will get pregnant!"
Well I wasn't, and I officially decided to stop putting my life on hold. (I had wanted to compete for Mrs. California for a few years but didn't because I always thought, " I can't do 'blank' (insert any wonderful and exciting thing) this year because I'm going to be pregnant THIS year!") And I decided to compete because I needed a hobby. My inner dialogue went something like this, "I need a hobby, I should run a marathon.... except that I hate to run!!... I know... I should compete in a pageant!... This year!!) So I emailed the pageant director to let her know that I was interested in competing and I attended a workshop in Northern California.
I have to admit, when I woke up the morning of the workshop, I felt renewed.. I was excited and energized and sooo excited (did I say I was excited) that I had made this decision for ME! It was so fun to do something that was not contingent on my fertility, and to feel like a whole women. Ironically the motto for Mrs. California United States is "complete woman.... total beauty"
Probably the most difficult part of infertility for me has been the feeling of "incompleteness." At my darkest moments I felt like I was a waist of "woman" because biologically we were created to "create life". I know that is extreme but it truly was the cry of my heart, that "God, please make me complete again." It's amazing how when you are stuck in your own thoughts how amplified your negative voice can be. I didn't realize that I was complete, that I am complete, that fertility doesn't really define who I am. But even as I type those affirmations, tears fill my eyes. (So I would by lying to say that infertility doesn't still meet me where I am most insecure.) But anyway, at the Northern California Workshop for a moment I felt whole, I felt beautiful, I felt like my infertility didn't matter, which it doesn't..... really. :)
And it was there at the workshop that I was "ALL IN!" I was going to compete for Mrs. California and I was going to try my very best to prove to myself and to everyone that I am a "complete women.... total beauty."
As the weeks passed by and the pageant approached, I had such a great time surfing the internet for my evening gown (yes I bought my evening gown on eBay for $50!), and choosing the perfect shade of eye shadow, thinking through interview questions and choosing the sparkly-est earrings I could find! And in the process something really cheesy happened! I felt like I didn't need the crown to remind me that I was a complete woman! Some how in the preparation process I knew that I was enough, infertility and all! I realized that no one said that your happily ever after wasn't going to have little hiccups, and this pageant experience turned out to be an incredible opportunity to take away my own shame with this issue by sharing my story. And that is what I did. My platform (or cause that I wanted to promote for all my non pageant readers) became "infertility support" my hope is that as I learn to more confidently endure this diagnosis I will empower other women to do the same. And winning this title has proven to allow me to do just that.
Pageant week was a blast, the women I competed against were the kindest most genuine of any group of strangers I have met. There were doctors, and bull riders, professional wrestlers, and stay at home moms! These women were philanthropists and activists in many different categories. (I am still honored to represent them all as the new Mrs. California... someone remind me I am not dreaming!)
Myself and the other contestants danced, laughed, had a pj party, and competed joyfully together. As a miss contestant right before the actual competition there was this serious intense feel as the final pageant night got closer and closer, and maybe it was just me, but that feeling never came.
Probably my favorite moment on stage was when I was asked "what advice would you give a newly married couple?", and I was able to say in a theater full of people "to keep God first!" I said more than that, but that was the gist! I praise God for the opportunity to acknowledge him even in a pageant forum!
The Mrs. United States Pageant system competition consists of an interview, swimwear and evening gown competition. The most common question that I am asked is "what is your talent" and I jokingly respond, "being married!" because in this pageant you don't have to have a talent, it is very USA in that way! (for my pageant folks).
Sometimes people say that their crowning moment was all a blur, but by God's grace I was very present in that moment. I remember the Master of Ceremony opening up the envelope, I remember the whispering between the M.C. and Dawn (Mrs. CA 2013), because neither of them wanted to mess up the big announcement. I remember the warmth of the first runner up hands and how worthy I felt like she was of that crown. I remember the feeling of the eyes of both the fellow contestants and the audience. I also remember that, right before the crowning was the first time I thought I might not win the pageant, after all I had not won a single award, not best in fitness, not best in interview, not best evening gown, NADA! But there I was standing in the traditional pageant pose that we do when only two women remain, one of us would be the winner. And although there was a large part of me that would be a little disappointed for the people who had traveled there to support me (they did pay 40 bucks a ticket, and I didn't really want them to pay to see me lose), I felt like the winner! And I knew they would feel like $40 was a fair price to see my shine if even for a few hours!
But....... I didn't lose! EEEKKKK!! I won! I freakin won Mrs. CALIFORNIA!!! (excuse me while a run around and chuckle like a little school girl!)
Okay I am back! And I am honored! And humbled, and excited to share my platform of infertility support and to carry with me to nationals the spirit of every woman who competed with me in California. I truly value the time that we spent together and It is my goal to make you all proud.
NOW...the 2nd most common question that I am asked is ... "so What's next?" Well next is Mrs. United States!!!! The pageant will be held in Las Vegas, NV from July 20-25! Eeekk! So my next post will be all about how I am preparing stay tuned!!
Last thing... Many people have had many questions about my infertility journey, the adoption of our son, and lots of other things! Feel free to ask me any questions in the comments below and I will respond back. :) xoxo Mrs. California 2014 aka--- plain ol' Chantea!!
